༊*·˚ FOREVER WINTER (IF YOU GO) — task force 141 x reader
01 — TOO YOUNG TO KNOW IT GETS BETTER
featuring. simon 'ghost' riley + johnny 'soap' mactavish + kyle 'gaz' garrick + john 'bravo six' price + (non-endgame phillip graves)
warnings. nsfw, fem!reader, fmmmm, enemies to lovers, slow burn, polyamory, ghostsoap, pricegaz, alerudy, heavy angst, requited unrequited love, graphic violence
series masterlist. read on ao3. fanfic playlist.
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You almost worshipped him.
It wasn’t because of his status – although, that certainly played a role in it all – and it wasn’t because of his bank statements.
No. Phillip Graves was one of the best men you’d ever known.
Or so you had thought.
Turns out, no matter how well he looked after his men – his ‘girl’ – and no matter how charismatic he was, that wouldn’t, couldn't change his roots. And, at those very roots, was decay. Evil in its most purest of forms; a tantalisingly devastating mix of every sin.
The most prevalent one?
Greed.
He was a greedy, greedy man, and he would stop at nothing to have it all. Even if he knew the fall out; even if he knew that he could never go back to the man he once was.
Phillip Graves didn’t care. Not in the slightest.
And it was you that would pay the ultimate price.
*
Rain beats down your back in heavy sheets as you stand, the harsh night littered with flashlights and car sirens.
It’s cool, just this side of too cold, and it has the hairs on the back of your neck rising with the temperature.
The temperature, and…
“Yup-yup,” the two men to your right call into their comms. You remain silent, but it goes unnoticed. Your eyes are trained to the paved street, rippling with the rainwater, littered with streaks of red.
Blood stains this town, and you haven't done anything to stop it.
“Let’s go.”
Raising your head, you meet the eyes of the operative who, ranks-wise, is below you. Really, you should be reprimanding him for his quip, but you understand the annoyance. You’re being quiet – something quite unusual for your normally direct and authoritative nature.
Tightening your grip around the shiny, water-slicked gun in your hand, you give him a sharp nod in response.
Seemingly satisfied, he turns, and you follow him along the sidewalk of the narrow, stone streets. Shops line either side of the area, their front-windows smashed and the products inside thrown about.
It’s like your heart has launched itself into your throat, the constant thrum of it setting your nerves alight.
“Three-zero, I want you and your two to find those Brits. We’ve got the cops. Copy?”
That once reassuring, adoring voice is now cold, void of any emotion he used to have. It makes tears burn at the back of your vision – if you were a weaker woman, they’d have fallen. Instead, you press down the button for your comms.
“Copy, Sir. Three-zero out.”
The fact that you manage to get those words out is a feat in and of its own.
It feels as though you’re lost at sea, with nothing to hold onto. Buoyant, but barely – every wave threatening to pull you under for good. To smother your silent cries for help, for guidance, for something to keep you grounded.
But there is no sea, and there is no support.
“You two go up ahead, I’ll search the house here,” you say, voice thick with demand. You didn’t have to decide anything right now. You just had to be the leader you were, and do what you’ve always done.
“Copy,” your two subordinates say, moving up further.
With their absence, you find that you can breathe – as if a weight has been lifted off of your chest, and you can finally fill your lungs.
You’re alive. You’re alive. You’re alive.
The mantra helps, surprisingly, and you hold onto those two words like they’re your only lifeline.
Through the thick of night and rain, you can see the door to the house on your left. It’s been left open, which means that either it’s already been searched – which you doubt – or… Someone else has been in there.
Gun secured in your grip, you move to the door with soft footing, quiet enough to not be heard over the shouts of other shadows just a few ways away. The constant pattering of the overhead storm clouds slow, just the slightest, allowing for a bit more sight.
Using your shoulder to further open the door with a creak, you take note of your surroundings immediately.
There’s a flickering light to the room on your far right, a living area, most likely. To your left is a short hallway, but none of the doors alert you of any occupancy. The place has been torn apart, pictures scattered along the wooden floor, shards of glass decorating the space along with it.
It sends a pang of guilt through your chest.
These were families being torn apart by your commander, your company. And for what? What was Graves’ angle here?
You’d been left on base to keep things running smoothly while Graves and unit one worked with the 141 and Las Vaqueros. You knew very little about any of this, and when you’d been called out to Las Almas, to aid with this?
This wasn’t what you fought for. This wasn’t what you would ever support, not in a million years.
But going against direct orders was going against your commander, and your livelihood. Shadow Company was all you’d known since your childhood. Having been hired when Graves was merely a young-upstart with big dreams, you were quickly swept up in the community of it all. They were your family, and Graves was the only semblance of a ‘loved one’ you had.
And now?
Now, he was sending you on a bounty hunt, for two men who, from your limited knowledge, didn’t deserve death. They were the good guys, and although most of your existing bias towards the two was due to rumours back on base, your intuition said that they were good men. And your intuition had never steered you wrong, not once.
Your mind feels like a never ending turbine as you move through the house, eyeing the barren walls and smashed vases.
Exhaling a low, deep breath, you tighten your hold on your weapon. It’s more of a comfort, at this point. Which is odd, considering that its sole purpose is to kill and destroy.
Through the dim light, you manage to find a set of stairs. They’re dingy, and the patterned carpet is mildew-riddled as you make your way to the next floor with slow, careful steps.
You’ve decided to keep your flashlight off, just in case it brings any extra attention to you.
As soon as you make it to the last step, a sense of… wrongness settles in your system. Something’s off, and it’s almost as if there’s an alarm ringing in your ears at the realisation.
Someone’s here.
Grounding yourself, both mentally and physically, you prepare to push through the hallway.
Setting aside your mental dilemma, you remind yourself that the physical battle is far more vital to your life right now. If you lose that, you lose your life.
If you lose your morals?
You just suppose you lose yourself.
The sound of a radio switching on has your senses alerted like a switchboard completely alight.
Stepping into the hallway, your chest constricting, you snap your gaze to both of your sides. With the little-to-no light, you can barely make out your limbs, let alone your surroundings. Your spatial awareness was solid, but with conditions like this? Near impossible.
The entire corridor is shrouded in shadow, the incessant rain outside and the screams of the cartel’s policemen ringing in your ears.
It reeks of death and despair, and your skin is coated in a thin sheen of chilled sweat.
The third door to your left is creaked open, just the slightest sliver, but it catches your attention like a moth to a flame. Keeping your frame encased in the darkest of the shadows, you move with patient, skillful steps towards the door.
A moment passes, tense and nerve-wracking in a way no other mission has ever been.
A breath in.
A breath out.
You push open the door, gun raised, ready for anything –
Nothing.
Quickly checking over the room to your right, you see nothing but bashed up mattresses and blood-stained carpet.
Just as you’re about to turn to check behind the door, two things happen at once.
One, you get slammed to the ground, your head knocking against the hard flooring and sending a burst of pain through your temple, your gun skidding across the floor to your left.
Two –
“f*ckin’ Christ!”
A man – scottish, that much is prevalent – whisper-shouts. You squint, the pain of the sudden fall throwing you off.
Not a second later, however, you manage to roll, shoving him off of you with a grunt. Your eyes struggle to adjust to the darkness, but you manage to make out the impossibly muscled frame of the man who’d just fallen on top of you.
He’s tall, not as giant as some of the men you served alongside with, but tall nonetheless. That’s all of the visual information you manage to gain before he sends an elbow to your gut, evoking a hiss through your gritted teeth.
You wriggle away, kicking out with your right foot and hitting what you think is his chin, considering his pained grunt.
“You bloody bastard,” he snaps, hand wrapping around your ankle and pulling you.
Your responding squeak is likely the most undignified sound you have ever made in your life, but it gives the man pause. Enough of one so as to allow you to wrench your leg back and careen it back into his face.
“Shut the f*ck up!” You hiss back, all too aware of the likelihood that your men will show up and shoot first, ask later.
“Are you f*ckin’ stupid, lass?” He retorts, although his tone is dutifully lower as he scrambles to grab your legs once more, his fist finding your belt and pulling you towards him.
Your attempts to dig your heels into the ground to prevent yourself from being pinned by him are fruitless, his strength undoubtedly superior to yours. That was a fact all too common when it came to your hand-to-hand fights, but luckily, it was just one factor of many.
“Are you?” Your shock is palpable as he gets his other hand around the other side of your belt, using the grip to pull himself over you.
His torso is pressed against your own as he goes to pin your hands, but with one quick manoeuvre, you wrap your legs around his waist and turn.
Utilising your lower body strength, you’re able to reverse the position, your hips pinning his to the ground. In one sweep of your hands, you collect both of his wrists and force them into the carpet. The room fills with your harsh, panted breaths, the outside commotion only a distant soundtrack.
“Yer supposed to kill me now, Shadow,” he says, a torment, a threat.
You swallow, once, an unsure thing.
He’s right, of course. He should be dead by now, bleeding out onto the floor. You should be comming to your f*cking Commander, and telling him that one of the men he’s after has just been reported KIA. That’s what should be happening.
So how come it’s not?
“I know,” you say, the words falling through your lips despite the internal conflict in your head. “You should be dead.”
He mirrors your confusion with raised brows, and it’s then that you can feel the blood trickling onto your hand. He’s bleeding down his arm, you realise with a start. He’s wounded.
Flitting your gaze to the floor up ahead, you catch sight of your gun, only a few steps away. One shot is all you’d need. One second, and that mouth of his would never open again.
The sole window in the room flashes with a burst of lightning, and that short second of light lets you catch sight of his features. Blood coats his jaw – from your kicks, maybe – and he’s got dirt caked onto his cheek. His stubble has clearly missed a few shaves, and his mohawk isn’t gelled.
“Still waiting, Shadow,” he says. And although he’s quiet, the words feel like a yell in the tense room. Like a shout directly into your soul, screaming for you to sort your sh*t out.
You go to respond – with what, you’re not sure – when the man underneath you manages to rip his hands from your grip and swing them around the back of your neck. He pulls you forward, your neck fitting into the crook of his elbow as he squeezes.
When you try to inhale, you end up choking on a cough. He’s strangling you, you realise, with his f*cking biceps.
There’s mere moments for you to make a decision before you pass out, or he breaks your neck. Moments for you to decide what the f*ck you can do.
Balling your right hand into a tight fist, you punch into his nose, a sickening crack making your teeth slide together. He swears, rapid-fire, a few Gaelic-sounding words slipping out along with them. It’s enough of a distraction to let you wrench out of his hold with a cough, wincing when you claw at his arm and draw blood. Thank f*ck for fingerless gloves.
Crawling forward as he brings a hand up to his now-bleeding nose, you’re just a breath away from reaching your gun when his hand grabs into your hair and pulls, eliciting a cry from you.
It’s a dirty move, but this is a dirty fight.
“f*cking – let go!” You grit out, the pain of the tightening on your scalp unique and not at all tolerable.
He just pulls tighter in response, and as you try and reach the gun, your fingers fall just millimetres short. It’s maddening, your emotions out of whack and your mental compass skewed beyond belief.
He should be f*cking dead. He should be f*cking dead.
So why wasn’t he?
You realise that he’s using his grip on you for leverage, to move himself closer to the weapon. Reaching towards his bare arm, you manage to catch your hand around it, nails digging into his wet skin.
He lets out a pained groan, and it becomes quickly apparent to you that he’s been shot in that arm. Moving your fingers, your index finger pushes into the open wound.
His grip on your hair goes lax, and he stops moving towards the gun long enough to allow you to move on top of him once more, pinning him underneath your weight. You’re both evidently weaker than the last time you were in this position, and you’re about to do something, something, something –
“Johnny? How copy?” An urgent, oddly panicked voice echoes around the room. It’s crackled, in only the way a radio’s can, and the two of you stun yourselves into freezing. His communications have been dislocated, and now they’re loud and clear for both of you to hear. “Johnny, what the f*ck is happening?”
“sh*t,” Johnny curses, head falling back against the ground in exasperation.
You’re not sure when you’d laxed your grip from his wound, your hand loose around his arm. You’re not sure when you’d subconsciously started avoiding fatal moves.
At this point, you’re not sure about anything at all.
Although it’s hard to see, you’re sure that the two of you make eye contact.
Neither of you make a move.
“Soap!”
Slowly, Johnny moves his hand to the communicator in his vest, pressing the button to allow for his voice to carry over to the man on the other end.
“A little occupied, Sir,” he murmurs, tightly.
If you move your hand to his throat, or use this as a distraction, you could have him dead before the other man could even register his words.
“I can’t get a visual on you,” the other man quips back, voice laced with thinly-veiled worry. “Johnny, if you die, I’m f*ckin’ killing your ass.”
You bite back a slightly crazed chuckle at that statement, and by the shift in Johnny’s chest, he does too.
Johnny doesn’t turn off his communicator. The other man – Ghost, if you’re correct – will be able to hear everything you say.
Ghost and Soap.
Jesus H. Christ. Soap – Johnny MacTavish – the 141 operator you heard whispers about throughout your unit – he was underneath you. He was on the run from your commander. He was the man you were assigned to f*cking kill.
He’s alive.
He’s alive.
You’re alive.
“Shadow Three-Zero, what’s your status?”
Oh, f*ck. f*cking hell.
Both you and Johnny’s eyes dart to your own communicator – the earpiece scattered along the floor just as his had been.
Graves’ voice. It sends a shiver down your spine for all the wrong reasons, and the lump in your throat doubles in size. If it’s at all possible, the rain outside grows louder, and more gunshots echo in your ears.
“Shadow Three-Zero. Have you got ‘em? Don’t go two-timing me now, babe.”
How he’s – how he’s being so light, so carefree while storming these streets and murdering fathers, brothers, sons in cold blood – it cements a thought in your head. Out of the storm of them, the endless noise of them all, one becomes concrete. Factual. A single truth in your world of lies.
You press down your communicator button.
“Haven’t found them yet, sir. Wouldn’t dream of going against you.”
“Atta girl,” he responds, a light chuckle carrying over the radio. “After this is all done, we can have a celebration of our own, hey?”
Your mouth is barren of moisture, your tongue a heavy weight that feels all too useless as you reply once more. It doesn’t go unnoticed how neither Soap, or Ghost over the comms, say a word.
“It’ll be my pleasure, sir.”
You rip off your communicator, throwing it across the room. It sets the course of the rest of your life, you’re sure. You still do it.
All the while, you hold Soap’s gaze.
He hasn’t killed you. He could’ve, you realise, he really could’ve. He had the opportunity. Still does.
But.
You’re alive.
And so is he.
“What’re you doin’, Shadow?” Johnny finally asks, equally suspicious and curious. His tone is tight, almost as much as his body is against your own.
You’d almost forgotten that he’s underneath you. Weaponless, and bleeding out. Wounded.
On the run.
Your eyes are wide, manic, maybe, as you say with shaky breaths;
“This isn’t right. I – I don’t fight for this. You guys, you,” squeezing your eyes shut, if only for a brief moment, you continue, slower, “This isn’t the Graves I know. I’m not going to be on the wrong side of history. I’d rather betray him than stand by his side with blood on my hands.”
Soap must sense your conviction, your wobbly words holding such truth and capability in them, because he nods, sharply.
“Johnny,” the radio chimes in again, the man’s tone a warning. “Don’t.”
Soap works his mouth, a crease forming between his blood-stained brows. If you were at all a poet, you’d akin his blue eyes to a storm-brewed sea. But you’re a soldier, so they’re merely obvious in the window’s scarce light, a stark contrast to the reds and darkness all around you both.
You’re not sure what’s wrong with you. You’d clearly hit your head too hard when Soap had crashed into you, or you’d been drugged earlier.
“I have intel,” you blurt out, like a crazed lunatic. That description is, unfortunately, a little too fitting to your current state. “I’m – I’m a f*cking good fighter. You help me, I help you.”
“We don’t need your help,” Soap quickly, almost automatically, retorts. But his words seem weak, his certainty nowhere on your own.
“You’re shot and on the run with no weapons,” you reply, slowly. Words. You were good at words, at debates. You could survive this. Maybe. “I know Graves. I know my men. And I know that I’d rather be a traitor than a war criminal.”
That’s maybe the most true thing you’d thought, or said, since you’d first been asked to head to Las Almas with an order to kill.
There’s silence.
A few beats pass before you open your mouth once more, tone just this side of pleading, “I’ll help you guys survive this. If you help me take down Graves, and support me – if you give me the assets I need. That’s all I’m asking.”
“We don’t trust you,” Soap says, and you nod.
“I don’t exactly have faith in you either. But it’s this or we all end up dead.”
Ghost inputs something, this time. “If you two make it to the church, we’ll consider it.”
That’s the most you can ask for. The best possible outcome from you being the biggest f*cking idiot to walk this earth. You were lucky that Soap was… merciful. Which was, all things considered, the weirdest component of this entire, messed up equation.
It seems like agreement passes through you all, like a sort of handshake. An invisible one, but a symbol of truce nonetheless.
“Get yer ass offa me,” Soap groans, breaking the tension of the room.
Scrambling off of him, but keeping your wits about you, you realise that you’d virtually been laying on the man your entire conversation. Your ears burn in embarrassment.
“...Right. I’m taking my gun,” you murmur.
Which is, obviously, the worst thing to say.
“Are you f*ckin’ serious? Dinnae wanna work with an idiot, Jesus,” Soap immediately hisses out, getting up with a hand on his knee, bringing his other to press against his bullet wound with a wince. You think that Ghost says something similar, but it’s drowned out by Soap.
“I’m best with close-range, and I’m not the one wounded,” you immediately bite back, hand wrapping around said weapon and holding it to your chest, checking over the room for any more supplies. Luckily, unlike the man in front of you, you still have all of your supplies and gear. His top is thin, you think, and soaked through with both rain and blood. Your standard Shadow Company uniform still fits you like a second skin, and although wet, doesn’t soak into your bottom layers. Your tactical knife, still strapped to your thigh, is secure and perfectly in place.
How you’d not used it in that fight was a testament to your mindscape more than anything.
“How do I know ye won’t just shoot me when my back’s turned?” Soap shoots back, his tone a weapon in its own right.
You raise a brow, and you hope that he can see it. “I would’ve done that already if that was my plan. And you’re calling me an idiot.”
“You’re a right ass,” he retorts, not unlike a petulant child.
“And you’re a right dickhe*d.” And, alright, you realise that you’re not much better, but it’s deserved.
“And you both need to hurry the f*ck up.”
You and Soap both have the decency to wince at the man’s words, and you both shut up as you finish checking over yourselves. You, focusing on checking your straps and belt, and Soap, hissing about his wound.
…If this camaraderie lasted the night, you’d think about apologising for that move.
Checking over your gun, you move to slowly open the door as Soap fixes up his radio, putting his earpiece back in its place. You are, admittedly, a bit annoyed that you won’t be able to hear Ghost’s callouts, but again, you had a gun.
“Let’s go,” you softly say, tilting your head towards the door. Soap nods, clearly ready to meet back up with his Lieutenant and get out of here.
As you slowly open the door, guns raised and eyes alert, you let the reality of your situation settle over you like the world’s coldest blanket. You’re going against everything you’ve ever known, all because of your morals that had always been slightly off-centre. Came with the job, you supposed.
But this was uncharted territory. Directly betraying your unit, your men, your Commander, and helping the men you’re assigned to kill? Asking them for their help in return?
“Clear,” you softly report to Soap, who acknowledges your order with a low noise. Following you with silent steps down the stairs, you keep your gun raised as you check over the bottom floor, before signalling for him to exit through the front door with you.
As the two of you enter the laneway once more, your breath catches in your throat as you assess the damage.
You spot several bodies littering the streets as rain hits you once more, the presence of it oddly comforting throughout it all. A truck up ahead has its lights on, the red of the brakes shining against the wet pavement like the pools of blood not three metres away from it.
“Steamin’ Jesus,” Soap murmurs from behind you, and you can’t help but agree with his sentiment.
This was pure bloodshed, at the hands of the one man you thought you could trust.
Betrayal tastes oddly sour in your mouth. Betrayal like this, on all sides, it’s like being suffocated by two cloths at once. Two very bloody, very assaulting cloths, at that.
Soap seems to be communicating with Ghost as the two of you make your way down the street, considering the back-and-forth whispers from Soap. He seems almost. Flirty. Which is a stark realisation, and truly, the least of your worries right now.
“If you can find bandages, or something close to it, I’ll get that arm of yours fixed up.”
You keep your tone low, careful of your surroundings as you see Soap nod, albeit almost in shock, in your periphery. Keeping your gaze forward, you move along the sidewalk.
The beauty of these shops, and this community, has been tarnished by the massacre of your Shadows. Your heart aches, seeing it all – the smashed windows, the blood, the distant sound of screaming and crying.
You and Soap make it about a block in silence, before flashlights ahead have you grabbing onto Soap’s shirt and pulling him into the open door of the shop to your left, heart beating rapidly in your chest.
“Shadow Three-Zero’s gone silent,” you hear a familiar voice say. Your subordinate – one of the two you’d sent to check the houses up ahead. “Reckon she’s dead?”
Soap, for his part, is silent where he’s been pushed up against the wall, your head meeting his collarbone.
“Nah. She mighta slept her way to the top, but she’s good. Probably gone dark so she can suck Graves off on the side or something.”
Your breath comes out in a sharp exhale, your fists tightening unknowingly onto the fabric of Soap’s shirt. He doesn’t even breathe in response.
The other chuckles. “f*ckin’ slu*t. Can’t believe she gets to order us around when we all know why she’s here.”
And, oh, does that make your stomach turn. You were many things, but you were not one to abuse a position like that. They knew nothing of your struggles, or your relationships, or –
“f*ckin’ co*cksuckers,” Soap grumbles, and that shocks you. For a man in the military to recognise misogyny like that was, really, unheard of.
You ignore that thought.
“Shut up.”
He does.
The two Shadows continue walking down the street, and you quickly peer out of the front window to watch them head down another sidealley, taking their thoughts with them.
“Come on,” is all you say, and Johnny follows tightly behind you as you continue down the way you were heading.
You find an alleyway to your left, and you decide to follow it. You can see a flashlight scanning over the street further down. Shadows were everywhere, but they were pushing forward like a tsunami over a coastal town, leaving nothing but destruction in their wake.
Soap follows you without question, which is odd, but you’re not about to complain.
“Ghost says that there’s underground tunnels – we can get to the church through ‘em,” Soap murmurs as he taps your shoulder. You nod, not looking back as you search for any telling of where the best route would be.
After a few minutes, the two of you find yourselves nearing the tunnels Ghost had spoken about.
It’s when you’re about to head into the deep end – quite literally, considering the flooding – that an all too familiar and bone-chilling voice yells out from the right of you both, down another street.
“She’s gone dark – you will find her alive, and if she’s dead, you will be too!” Graves roars, and your heart skips a beat. “She could be hurt, or captured – she is your top priority now, Shadows!”
There’s a chorus of agreement, and if you look down, you’re almost certain that you’ll find your stomach laying at your feet.
A greedy, greedy man. That was what Phillip Graves was – now, more than ever.
If you were a weaker woman, a civilian, maybe, instead of a seasoned soldier, you’d have vomited by now.
Instead, you shoot Soap a look.
“Ghost still at the church?” Is all you ask.
Soap nods. “Yeah. Lt’s talkin’ my ear off,” he says with an eye roll, but his lips quirk into a half-tilted grin more resemblant of a satisfied pup.
“Didn’t think the 141 was so close,” you reply, and you could slap yourself for how nosy you sound. You’re not, not in the slightest – all you cared about was surviving both Graves and them.
Soap’s eyes hold an indecipherable gleam to them when he responds, a touch domestically, “You have no idea.”
You itch to delve deeper, to unpack that statement that seems to hold so many layers, but you keep your mouth respectfully shut.
And you prepare to meet Ghost at the end of the tunnel.
a/n. cutely drops this and hides!! jk but umm idk man this fic idea has been nibbling at my brain and GAWDDD smth about it just. got the juices flowing. this is my personality now thanks gn. if you guys enjoyed please comment or reblog or follow!! ty so very muchly ily all <3
